Kua kite koe he maha nga wa ka huri koe i ou kanohi me te tino tawai ki te korero ki tetahi hoa? Ko enei tohu o te whakahawea karekau he kino. Ko te whakaatu whakaute ki te hoa ko te tino tohu o te whakarere.
I etahi wa ka kaha ake a tatou tohu i nga kupu me te tuku i te whakaaro pono ki te tangata i runga i ta tatou hiahia. Mo nga tau 40 inaianei, ko John Gottman te tohunga hinengaro whanau, he ahorangi mo te hinengaro i te Whare Wananga o Washington (Seattle), me ona hoa mahi e ako ana i te whanaungatanga o nga hoa i roto i te marena. Ma te korero a nga hoa wahine ki a raua ano, kua ako nga kaiputaiao ki te matapae kia pehea te roa o to raua hononga. Mo nga tohu matua e wha o te wehenga e tata ana, i kiia e John Gottman ko te «Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse», ka korerotia e matou ki konei.
Kei roto i enei tohu ko te whakahē tonu, te wehe atu i te hoa, me te tino kaha ki te tiaki, engari ehara i te mea morearea penei i nga whakaaturanga o te kore e aro, ko era tohu kore-waha e whakaatu ana ka whakaaro tetahi o nga hoa ki raro i a ia. Ko te tawai, ko te kanga, ko te karu karu, ko te tawai… Arā, ko nga mea katoa e pa ana ki te kiritau o te hoa. E ai ki a John Gottman, koinei te tino raruraru o te wha.
Me pehea te ako ki te pupuri i te wareware me te aukati i te whakarere? E whitu nga taunakitanga mai i o maatau tohunga.
1. Kia mohio ko te katoa o te whakaaturanga korero
"Ko te raru ehara i to korero, engari me pehea koe e mahi ai. Ka rongo to hoa i to whakahawea ma te katakata, ka oati, ka tawai, ka huri o kanohi me te aue nui. Ko enei whanonga ka paitini nga hononga, ka whakaiti i te whakawhirinaki tetahi ki tetahi, me te arahi i te marena ki te mate puhoi. Ko to whainga kia rangona, tika? No reira me kawe e koe to korero i runga i te huarahi e rongohia ana, kaua e piki ake te tautohetohe. – Christine Wilke, kaihaumanu whanau i Easton, Pennsylvania.
2. Tangohia te kupu "Kare au e aro!" mai i to kupu kupu
Ma te korero i enei kupu, kei te korero tonu koe ki to hoa kare koe e whakarongo ki a ia. Kei te mohio ia ko nga mea katoa e korero ana ia kaore he mea nui ki a koe. Inaa, koinei te mea whakamutunga e hiahia ana matou ki te whakarongo mai i tetahi hoa, kaore? Ko te whakakitenga o te kore whakaaro (ahakoa karekau, ka kitea te whakahawea i roto i nga kanohi me nga tohu) ka tere te whakamutu i te hononga. – Aaron Anderson, kaihaumanu whanau i Denver, Colorado.
3. A ape i te tawai me te katakata kino
"A ape i te tawai me nga korero i runga i te wairua o te "pehea taku mohio ki a koe!" "Aue, he tino katakata," ka kii i roto i te reo tangi. Whakaitihia te hoa me nga whakakatakata kino mo ia, tae atu ki tana ira tangata ("Ka kii ahau he tangata koe"). – LeMel Firestone-Palerm, Kaihautu Whānau.
Ki te kii koe kei te whakanui, kei te kaha ake ranei to hoa, ko te tikanga karekau he mea nui ki a koe.
4. Kaua e noho ki mua
"Ko te nuinga o nga tokorua ka timata ki te whakaatu whakaute tetahi ki tetahi i te wa e kohikohi ana ratou i te maha o nga kerēme iti ki a ratau. Hei karo i te kore e warewarehia, me noho koe i tenei wa i nga wa katoa me te whakapuaki i o whakaaro ki to hoa. Kaore koe i te pai ki tetahi mea? Korero tika. Engari me whakaae ano ki te tika o nga korero a te hoa ki a koe — katahi ka kore koe e tino mohio kei te tika koe. – Judith and Bob Wright, kaituhi o The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Take With You Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Take You Closet, New Harbinger Publications, 2016).
5. Kia mataara i to whanonga
“Kua kite koe he maha nga wa e ngarue ana koe i te wa e whakarongo ana koe ki to hoa, he tohu tenei he raru kei roto i te whanaungatanga. Rapua he waahi ki te okioki tetahi ki tetahi, ina koa kei te wera te ahuatanga, ka ngana ranei ki te aro ki nga ahuatanga pai o to oranga, ki nga mea e pai ana ki a koe i roto i te hoa. —Chelli Pumphrey, tohunga hinengaro i Denver, Colorado.
6. Kaua rawa e korero ki to hoa: "Kei te whakanui koe."
“Ia parau ana‘e oe e te faarahi ra to oe hoa here aore ra te haa rahi roa ra, te auraa mau, e ere to ’na mau mana‘o i te mea faufaa no oe. Engari i te aukati i a ia me te kupu "ka nui rawa atu koe ki te ngakau", whakarongo ki tana tirohanga. Whakamātauria ki te mohio he aha nga take mo taua tauhohenga whakapeka, na te mea kaore e puta nga kare-a-roto penei. — Arona Anderson.
7. Kua mau koe i a koe ano he whakaute? Kia okioki, kia manawa hohonu
"Whakatakotoria koe ki te rapu he aha te whakahawea, he aha tena. Na ka whakaaro me pehea te whakaatu i roto i to whanaungatanga. Ka rongo koe i te hiahia ki te mahi, ki te korero ranei i tetahi mea whakama, tango i te manawa hohonu ka kii marie ki a koe ano, "Kati." Rapua ranei he huarahi kee hei whakamutu. Ko te whakaute he tikanga kino, penei i te kai paipa me te ngau i ou maikuku. Whakanuia ka taea e koe te wikitoria." - Bonnie Ray Kennan, te kaiwhakaora hinengaro i Torrance, California.